Seven Months Into 2018

Sunday, August 26, 2018

I was feeling a bit emotional for the past few days and that's why I decided to open my blog, read my 2018 posts and remind me of how positive I was at the start of the year. After reading, I suddenly realized why I'm here on this platform - I'm here because of me. I'm here because I want to remember how I felt, how I was, or how I want to be. It just so happens that I get to share it with you too.

If I could just have an access to my old blogs, I would gladly share with all of you how I wasn't afraid to write my feelings. The last time I had access to my high school blog (the website that hosted that blog has already shut down) was I guess two years ago. Admittedly, I had a lot of gibberish blog entries about jealousy and other high school shit. Thinking of it now, I'm actually not ashamed of it. Seeing how I was able to write my emotions (very well, surprisingly) made me so proud of my high school self. I never saw myself as a writer, but I was proud that I wrote those blogs pretty well. More to the point, I was proud that I wasn't afraid to show weakness and was able to find a way to express my feelings in a manner that is healthy. These days, almost all famous blogs are all about luxuries in life, beauty products, travel, and promotion. I guess there's nothing wrong with that; especially for the people who earn from it. It's just me, not being able to read a lot of true stories on "personal" blogs anymore. There are a few, yes. But literally just a few. Whatever happened to all our inner Lizzie McGuirre self? I know you had it - I know you did.

Writing is a great way to express pain. Nowadays, it's just more of posting just the good things. You know, making people think that you're 100% happy and satisfied with your life but deep inside you're angry, lonely, and dissatisfied. That famous line, "going broke just to impress people you don't like" - that is so true. I know a lot who, well, have very different lives in the real world, as compared to their online world. It's shocking, truly, that somebody would alter a lot of what's true about his/her life just because he/she is ashamed of what he/she has become, or has not yet become. We're all so busy trying to impress everybody else. And for what? Validation? From who? People who would say congratulations on every success but deep inside would wish you bad just because in one department of your lives, yours was better. What has gotten into the world?

I'm not cleaning my hands off this. I have given in on making my Instagram look pretty. I had to archive a great deal of Instagram posts just because they weren't on a square format and would more often than not have a white border which made my page look bad. I've given to that "Instagram feed goals" bullshit and upon writing I honestly think I won't stop trying to make my feed look better. But when I started archiving these posts, I promised myself I will not make myself look like I'm living a perfect life. I don't know if some people think that I do. What's important is that I don't give them the wrong impression. 

Clearly, social media is a part of our lives. I don't think we'll ever get out of it. I have attempted to deactivate my Facebook account one too many times but there are some factors that stop me from doing it: my spa and my relatives who expect me to post the family gatherings. Other than that, it's mostly the means of communication with everyone. Rab and I use a different platform so we really won't be affected if I do deactivate. Still, I can't just leave Facebook. The most I can do is try to avoid opening it from time to time.

So what's my point?

I guess all I'm really trying to say is I have been a victim of social media and of my own actions. I started the year with positivity because there were a lot of struggles last year that I didn't want to repeat but ended up making things worse for this year. At the same time, I guess I posted a very positive entry to try to convince people that I'm going to be better than last year. Seven months in 2018, I guess I'm still on the same page. It's the people closest to me who keep me sane. Without them, I would probably be taking anxiety pills.
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